Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
When I said I liked it rough.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”