“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Perfect.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel