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Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.