I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.