My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
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*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Incredible customer service.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow