ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
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