*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
#SCOTUS one-star review
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.