Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.