me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
And now we wait
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*