1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries