writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
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You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
when u come home smelling like another dog
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU