It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?