Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
War & Peace
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.