My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
You Might Also Like
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.