God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
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me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
so this horse walks into a bar
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY