Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
You Might Also Like
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
peeping toms
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.