Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
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Um … Hot Wings please
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.