At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
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Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t