My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv