what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
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Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?