Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
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twitter users today:
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower