May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
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Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Me checking my bank balance online.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.