Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST