8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
181.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.