oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
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[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”