Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
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Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”