Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
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I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.