[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
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[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate