Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
You Might Also Like
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?