I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.