Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
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fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.