Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
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terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Matt Goss
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”