I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
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The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.