I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
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I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.