Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
You Might Also Like
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?