I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
set yourself free xox
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.