Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]