You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
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My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Close call…
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.