[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
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I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.