[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
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I put the p in pants.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse