Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
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Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance