Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
spicy snake
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?