[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
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SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.