My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
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Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Hitlers gonna hitl
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!