*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Hot hot hot 🥵
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me if I was a dog
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.