My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
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Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I like crazy people until they notice me
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.