Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.