Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
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A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous