Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Not😆🤣
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]