If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
what could possibly go wrong?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
🔦🌙👣
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Spring cleaning checklist…
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.